A few months ago, someone reached out to me because her child was divorced and had children; She wanted help guiding her child and grandchildren. She probably also wanted help navigating the situation.
I’m no expert on divorce, but she reached out to me because I’m an expert on my own life experience. And I experienced my parents’ divorce as a child. That puts me in a unique position to know what so many people want to know. Divorce is necessary sometimes. Unavoidable other times.
But how will it affect the children?
That, I think, is the million-dollar question. But it’s not always the first question asked. First people ask, and rightfully so, what about the young man and woman in the picture? Or the not-so-young-anymore man and woman who are divorcing? What’s their state of mind like, their happiness, their future?
As for their children,
Grandparents especially are in a unique position to have an impact. Grandparents aren’t in the centre of the storm. They can see the rain, but they can also offer shelter. The single most important thing that grandparents in this situation can do is maintain a sense of objectivity. And love the grandchildren in the picture. Yes, even from far.
I was raised in my maternal grandparents’ home from birth and up as a result of my parents’ divorce. And I loved it! I loved having grandparents around 24/7. I loved being surrounded by the noise, tumult, and chaos of cousins who were constantly coming and going from the building, with a quiet space up on the top floor to call my own. Mostly, I loved the quiet message that my grandparents transmitted: You are worth it. You are a goldmine. You are not just a child experiencing your parents’ choices. You are a link in a chain that stretches back generations. You have a place. You have a purpose. You have a legacy.
Those words never needed to be said. They were simply there. In my grandparents’ love for me.
My grandparents also ensured that the divorce did not become the centre of my identity. They did not ask me to carry their feelings about it. They allowed me to simply be a child.
Grandparents have so much power in their grandchildren’s lives, and that power lies in their presence and actions. Not in their words.
I observed my grandparents interacting, and their avodas Hashem, from day one. That’s powerful. Memories of their small acts of kindness toward one another, and of their tefillos, Shabbosim, and more, are still with me.
I know that it’s not usual for grandchildren to live with their grandparents. I also know that children of divorce don’t always have full contact with their grandparents. But if there’s one thing that I think is important for grandparents of divorce to know, it’s this: Your presence matters. Don’t underestimate it.
I want to list some tangible things grandparents in this situation can do. And bear in mind that even if you can’t do all of them-because you’re not a player on the scene, your child was rejected, he or she removed himself from the scene, or for any other reason- there are still some things that you can try to do.
1) Let go of hurt.
Divorce usually engenders sour, bad, and sad feelings, and those feelings are real. Same for shame, embarrassment, and more. But when it comes to your grandchildren (and children), remember that you cannot afford to show those feelings. Your children alone are responsible for their choices. And your grandchildren are innocent bystanders in the divorce game. Your job is not to rewrite the past. Your job is to help create a healthy future.
2) Be there for your child.
Maintain an open, supportive, non-judgmental evironment for your child. Even if they divorced. Even if you don’t approve of their actions. Even if there’s shame or hurt surrounding it (goes back to journaling or doing projects to sort through those feelings). Being there for your child, unconditionally, will go a long way toward allowing them to create that same type of environment for their children.
3) Listen more than you speak.
I still remember the time my grandmother listened to me read my first nearly professional fiction story out loud (nearly being the key word over there; I was only 13 at the time). The attention that she gave me, I can’t put it into words. That told me that I was worth it. It told me that me not my history, not my story, but simply me as a person- was worth it. Give that message over to your grandchildren by being there for them, listening to them, and looking into their eyes. It’s a message that transcends circumstance.
4 )Your grandchildren are not messengers.
This one should go without saying, but it doesn’t. Because grandparents are intrinsically biased (and that’s natural and good), they will usually side with their child. But even when your child’s former spouse caused deep pain, that person remains your grandchild’s parent. Your grandchild should not have to carry the burden of adult conflict.
5) Find an outlet
This was mentioned earlier, but it deserves its own number. Journaling, gardening, painting, etc. those are all underrated ways of getting energy out, and they’re super important if you want to be able to be there, in any manner, for anyone. All the more so if you want to truly smile through a challenging situation and give your grandchildren the best experience you can.
6) Create joy and normalcy
Your grandchildren are craving normal life and routine, and your home, which has weathered their storm and is still standing, is exactly that. Put on the music there. Dance with your grandchildren. Invite them to bake cookies with you or to go out shopping together. Not because their parents divorced, but because they’re your grandchildren and you love them. And if you want them to really believe you and gain the most from their time with you, invite some of your other grandchildren too. You’ll be creating connections that will last a lifetime
Chaya Sara Ben Shachar is the editor-in-chief of STRONGER magazine, a free magazine for children from single-parent homes. It is available by signing up at strongermagazine.com. She can be reached at editor@strongermagazine.com.
