Q:
“ Why am I completely exhausted all evening, but the second my head hits the pillow, my mind suddenly wakes up?
I don’t understand what is happening to me. By the time evening comes, I am completely drained. My entire day feels like I am running from one thing to the next, squeezing in work, taking my elderly mom to an appointment, cooking meals, running errands, and managing all the little things that keep life moving. Honestly, I love so much of it. I love hosting. I love having my married children and their families over. I love helping and being there for the people I care about. These are the moments that bring me joy.
But by the time the evening finally arrives, I am exhausted. I take a quick shower, collapse into bed, and think, Finally, I’m going to sleep. It’s then something strange happens. The moment my head hits the pillow, I’m wide awake. Suddenly my mind turns on. Thoughts start racing. I remember things I didn’t finish, things I need to do tomorrow, worries I pushed aside during the day, and all the thoughts that finally have space to come forward.
How can I feel so exhausted and yet be completely awake when I finally have the chance to sleep? “
Sury K.
A:
This is actually the number one sleep question I hear from women.
The answer begins with understanding that sleep is a 24-hour cycle. Sleep does not start the moment your head hits the pillow at night. It starts with how your mind and body experience your entire day. After a full day of working, caring for others, running errands, cooking meals, helping family, hosting, and being there for the people you love, it makes complete sense that your body feels exhausted. But there is a difference between being physically tired and being mentally ready for sleep. Your body may be begging for rest, but your mind may still be carrying everything from the day: the conversations, the decisions, the things you need to remember, and the emotions you didn’t have time to process because you were busy moving from one thing to the next.
During the day, your brain is in “doing mode.” It is solving problems, taking care of others, and keeping life moving. But when the house finally gets quiet and you climb into bed, your brain suddenly has space. And it says,
Oh, finally. Now it’s my turn.
”That is why so many people experience feeling “tired but wired.
” Your body has clocked out, but your brain has just started its night shift.
The answer is not to fight your thoughts or try to force your mind to become completely quiet. Our brains are designed to think. The goal is to give your mind opportunities throughout the day to pause, process, and simply be. Sometimes that can be as simple as taking a few moments in your day to stop. Close your eyes.
Sit quietly. Take a breath. Let whatever thoughts come up come up, without needing to fix them or judge them. You don’t need to meditate perfectly. You don’t need an empty mind. You are simply giving yourself a moment to check in with yourself. For some people, that might happen while sitting in the car before walking into the next responsibility. For others, it might be in the shower, talking things through with themselves. For others, it might be journaling.
A simple practice I love is the Three R’s:
The first R is Review: What happened today? What am I carrying?
The second R is Record: What do I need to remember for tomorrow? What can I write down so
my brain doesn’t have to keep holding onto it?
The third R is Reflect: How did I show up for myself today?
The goal is not to solve your entire life before bed. The goal is to create closure, not conclusion. There will always be another task, another email, another responsibility. That is part of being human. But when we give our minds small moments throughout the day to pause, process, and reconnect with ourselves, we are giving our brains something they desperately need: a chance to let go. You are not failing at sleep. Your mind is not working against you. It is simply trying to take care
of you in the only way it knows how. The beautiful thing is that once we understand what is happening, we can begin to change the
pattern. With small moments of awareness, processing, and self-care throughout the day, we can teach our minds and bodies that they don’t have to carry everything into the night.
The day can gently come to an end, and you can give yourself permission to rest.
Chevy Mermelstein, lives in Montreal, Quebec. As an Integrative Sleep Coach specialising in helping women understand why they struggle with sleep and how to create lasting change, her approach focuses on the connection between the mind, body, and sleep. Truly rest.
Have a sleep question you’ve been curious about? Send it in, and we’ll explore those questions together in upcoming issues.
To learn more about Chevy’s work or connect with her, visit: www.chevymermelsteinsleepcoach.org chevymermelstein@sleepingcoach.org
