The day Shprintza got engaged to Joel, her soon-to-be sister-in-law took her to a corner and said. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhatever Joel\u2019s mom says\u2026. don\u2019t take it to heart, as she\u2019s just being a Mother-in-law.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The relationship that she had heard so much about from her own mother, was now being passed along to her. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The famous Interfering MOTHER-in-LAW <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I often wonder what it is that makes our preconceived ideas of \u2018in laws\u2019 specifically Mothers-in-law, become so shrouded with misgivings, upset and anger. It is rare to hear of a great daughter-in-law\/Mother-in-law relationship. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Why is it that a mom who is so loved by her child in his single life, and is the person the child would talk to for hours about the problems he faced become, ostracized and vilified? This is the mom who cooked, did his laundry and wiped his tears when he was down. How does this mom suddenly become the enemy? What has she done to make her beloved child, turn so completely against her, often within weeks of the marriage? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Going back to our narrative of Sprintza. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As soon as her sister-in-law warned her, it set into motion a string of thoughts, that became ingrained in her head space without her being aware of their presence. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cJoel\u2019s mom is going to say things that I don\u2019t like\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cJoel\u2019s mother can be mean\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cJoel\u2019s mother is like dad\u2019s mother, who doesn\u2019t get on with my mom\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019m not going to let her get close to me.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI will have to be careful about how much Joel tells her.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I recently heard a story from a friend about her experience, and it truly upset me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Her newly married young couple came to eat at the boy\u2019s childhood home soon after their wedding. Mom cooked her son\u2019s favourite meal, and was so excited about his new wife coming. She asked her if there was anything that she liked to eat and the young lady said she would eat whatever was served. The day arrived and after putting a welcome sign on the door, setting the table with her best china and cutlery and pulling out all the stops, they sit down to the meal. The boy is ecstatic, he is eating a meal he has eaten most of his life, made by a mother who\u2019s cooking he has known since birth. He innocently tells his mom that he loves this meal, can he have the recipe for the soup. The new wife gives him a look and the young man starts to stutter. So starts a long lasting divide in the mom and son\u2019s relationship. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
What is happening here? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The mom is trying to welcome her son. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
She tries to make the new wife feel integrated in the family <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The young man, who doesn\u2019t have the experience of age, tells his mom. \u201cI love the effort you went to\u201d. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
He gives her a compliment by asking how she made the soup, he isn\u2019t saying to his wife, \u201cI don\u2019t like your soup\u201d he is just asking his mom for a recipe. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The wife who is young and has heard bad press about mothers-in-law is on her guard and automatically twists the scenario into something it isn\u2019t. \u201cMy husband\u2019s mom made a soup for her son, who hates my cooking, and is going to give me his mom\u2019s recipes. I\u2019m not good enough.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So the vicious cycle begins <\/p>\n\n\n\n
How can one change this narrative? <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n For me it\u2019s as simple as telling your child before they marry, \u201cI am your mom and just like your wife has a mom, we both love you. This is not the love of spouses but the love of a mother to her child.\u201d \u201cPlease don\u2019t let things fester, be understanding, and if for any reason your wife and I don\u2019t get along, please don\u2019t feel like you need to take sides.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n Instead, what happens is that the young man, goes home to an earful from his new wife. He tries to protect his mom and wife, but ultimately, because he lives with his wife, he wants a quiet life. He doesn\u2019t compliment his mom\u2019s cooking again and Mom is hurt. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Years later it becomes a standard family joke at mom\u2019s expense <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhen we got married your mom tried to teach me how to cook, because you hated my food.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n This is all sad but true.<\/p>\n\n\n\n How can healthy relationships be built on these foundations? <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n How can we change this behaviour that goes on from generation to generation, being passed down like an infectious disease? <\/p>\n\n\n\n Perhaps this scenario can be changed before it even takes seed. There are two things we must do for all our children before they get married. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Just as we buy them clothing and pick the menu, we must make certain our young have the tools for a good marriage. The boy must have a Rav or mentor who will talk to him and explain the comon sense needed for a successful marriage. He must know that his new wife needs to be given the support, whereby she can feel confident that she is loved, and that Mommy is no threat. The girls also need mentoring. Many young people lack confidence, and they see the \u2018other woman\u2019 in their husband\u2019s life as a threat. Girls need to be taught amidst all their Kallah lessons a bit of hakoras hatov. After all, generally speaking, the young man she has married was raised and nurtured by this other lady. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Mothers-in-law have to be sensible as well. Biting one\u2019s tongue must be practiced till you reach olympic standards! These two kids have to develop their new lives in a complicated world, one their parents won\u2019t even understand. Let us give them space to work things out. Parents can\u2019t know what baggage their new family member brings with them, just as they can never entirely understand their own child. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Building a new home is a tricky undertaking. Parents have to trust their kids, and then pray for them to do the right thing.<\/em><\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n I heard from an old couple who had been married for over half a century, that when they first got married their father-in-law laid down a set of rules. The young bride was discussing with her new husband if they should go on a shopping trip to the city. The father-in-law was sitting in his chair learning. His daughter turned to him asking, \u201cTatti, what do you think? Should we go?\u201d The elderly father smiled and said, \u201cI believe I was at your chasanah last week, and you married this young man. You have to work such things out between yourselves. He is your husband and you have to discuss things together with him. Now, if he wants to ask my opinion, that\u2019s something different, and it\u2019s up to him.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n Parents have an unwritten contract that becomes binding when their children stand under the chuppah. Don\u2019t expect a perfect script that always follows the rules. Young men and women come into their marriages with a whole raft of expectations, and dreams, all of which will change when life gets in the way. Be there for them, but try not to fit them into your mould or needs<\/em><\/strong>. In this way, relationships will grow, and although it is natural for a young woman to be jealous or insecure about her husband\u2019s relationship with his mother, it need not become toxic if we bide our time and help them on their terms.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s the 5th weeks since I got married, and this Shabbos we will be spending time with my husband\u2019s family. It is exciting but also a bit nerve wracking. My husband has told me lots of different things about his siblings and parents, I just hope I remember all the ins and outs. <\/p>\n\n\n\n My sisters-in-law, who have been very friendly, have said on many occasions that my Mother-in- law is really nice, but I shouldn\u2019t get upset if she says anything derogatory, as that\u2019s just a mother-in-law\u2019s way. My mother and grandma had an uneasy relationship so I really don\u2019t want that to happen to me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n We pack and are on the way, me wearing my nicest sheitel, dress and the jewelry that I received from my husband and his family. <\/p>\n\n\n\n When we arrive, the house is spick and span with a beautiful welcome sign on the door. My mother-in-law shows me to our room and explains where everything is. It\u2019s all so nice, yet it feels so cold. Everyone on their best behaviour, nothing out of place, best dishes on the table and everyone talking in their softest voice. I understand that it’s my first time and we are all suffering from nerves, Yet I see that in my husband\u2019s childhood home there is an atmosphere that I have never experienced before. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I get dressed to come down for the Friday night meal but wait until the last moment as I really feel uncomfortable. As I enter the room all conversation stops and my husband smiles at me, but at the same time I notice a frown on my Mother-in-law\u2019s face. She says with a sweet smile, that doesn\u2019t quite reach her eyes \u201cin this house the women wear robes on Friday night,\u201d and now I am really on edge. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I am shown to my seat at the table, and the meal begins. My new husband seems so at ease and he\u2019s eating so much more than he\u2019s ever eaten at home. My mother-in-law serves her soup and yes, it\u2019s good, but when she says to my husband \u201cI made it especially the way you like it\u201d, and my husband answers \u201cmommy you need to give the recipe to my wife,\u201d my stomach goes into a knot. So the reason that he hasn\u2019t been eating is that he doesn\u2019t like my food! Why does keep on saying that he loves everything I prepare? I hope my mother-in-law doesn\u2019t think I need her recipes – I have lots of my own family recipes. <\/p>\n\n\n\n When we get home, I mention this to my husband who says, \u201cShe didn\u2019t mean anything bad, she really tried to make you feel welcomed and I told her to give you the recipe because I was trying to make you happy\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n But now I understand all the warnings about mothers-in-law. I will need to keep an eye on things and make sure that my Mother-in-law doesn\u2019t interfere with our lives, it starts small but, as I have seen from my family, things soon get out of hand. <\/p>\n\n\n\n While the mother-in-law\/son-in-law relationship is most commonly the butt of jokes, it is usually the mother-in-law\/daughter-in-law dynamic that is fraught with emotion. <\/p>\n\n\n\n As a therapist who sees clients grappling with important life stages and milestones, as well as helping couples navigate their relationships, this tension can come up as a common theme. The reasons for this mother-in-law\/daughter-in-law tension may be both cultural and evolutionary. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The emotional emphasis in many families is often left to the women. Women are generally more comfortable with openly expressing emotional angst, whilst men can be culturally conditioned to keep feelings buried, tending to avoid addressing issues (not necessarily a healthy situation – a subject for another day). So women are more likely to visibly and verbally address relationship tensions. <\/p>\n\n\n\n From an evolutionary perspective, a daughter-in-law may subconsciously represent a direct competition for the finite amount of resources and attention within a family – a hangover from times when survival was an overriding theme within society. Although not usually as relevant today, this element of rivalry may still arise in the subconscious. <\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s also important to remember that a marriage represents the coming together of two different family systems, each with its own history, values and ways of doing things. There can be no blueprint on how to manage this, as every family is unique. There will always be a degree of structural anxiety. \u2018How will this new person impact our existing family dynamic?\u2019 \u2018How will I fit into this family system?\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n The starting point is for both the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law to discard any negative stereotypes they may have of each other\u2019s role. This can lead to unnecessary tension and miscommunication from the start. Aim for trust, respect and openness rather than pre-conceived ideas about control, interfering etc… <\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s useful if the mother-in-law can acknowledge to herself the fears that are understandably being provoked within her \u2013 the fear of change, rejection, loneliness or loss of a role – without projecting these negative feelings onto her daughter-in-law. For the daughter-in-law, it is paramount to remember that your in-laws are not your parents, and to realise that their differences do not imply criticism, but are simply a different way of being. <\/p>\n\n\n\n As with any relationship, the most important thing is fostering clear, honest and respectful communication directly with each other, not through the son\/husband. Learn about each other – your values, family history and different parenting approaches. Acknowledge and respect any differences, then look for compromises as well as ways in which you can learn from each other. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Make requests not demands such as \u2018\u201dWould this work for you?\u201d Say how you are each feeling in certain situations rather than telling the other what they are doing wrong. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Think about appropriate boundaries on each side. The mother-in-law should expect and encourage her son to put his wife first. She should strenuously avoid putting him in the position of taking sides or expect him to speak negatively about his wife behind her back. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Avoid giving advice unless explicitly asked for or trying to influence decisions the couple make mutually. Discuss agreed times for visits and family get togethers – create new traditions as an extended family that suit all parties. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The daughter-in-law should discuss any issues with her husband and then mutually agree a plan to address them together. Often what you give is what you receive. Try to think about your in-law\u2019s feelings in certain situations, and try to adjust your attitude and perception accordingly. Be open to some give and take. <\/p>\n\n\n\n If for some reason there is a stalemate on both sides, with progress unable to be made independently, therapy or mediation can be considered as a way of moving forward to a more positive place. Remember that you are modeling behaviour for the children and grandchildren – never use them as leverage on either side. <\/p>\n\n\n\nRead on to find out what went through the young woman’s mind<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
Read on for a proffesional take on the situation<\/em><\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
The Therapist’s View<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Louise Tyler, BACP Accredited Counsellor. <\/em><\/h4>\n\n\n\n